Saturday, December 22, 2012

Waiting room of Death

Inside a medium sized hospital room with large windows at its front, we were observing them from a small distance. A few rows of old couples were sitting next to each other in armchairs behind some sort of wooden cabinet with a monitor in it. Embracing each other, calmly waiting for Eternal Sleep gently lifting them nearly simultaneously out of their bodies. Nurses, young girls still with a life ahead of them, were quietly walking between the chairs. Hands on their backs, sometimes stopping for a second to look at the monitors or to make sure their patients were comfortable. Sweet whisper between couples would fade out, as they peacefully ended in the arms of who they loved. A strange serenity in this cold greyish looking room.

It was our turn. We took place in one the chairs. No idea what the monitor in front of us was really doing. It didn't matter. I embraced my girl, and closed my eyes. Realizing these would be my last words, I told her I loved her, and thanked her for all those years being with me. She didn't respond but firmly closed her arms around me. There was no need to talk really, we both know what we mean for each other.

I tried to let it just come. With my eyes closed and mind sort of cleared, I only felt the warmth of my girl. My friend, mother of my daughter, my better half. Who would go first? I still heard the soft footsteps of the nurses a bit, meaning we were still awake. As I waited and tried to get in tranquillity, in a numb state, I got scared. Without saying anything, I'm trying to say farewell to my girl. As well as trying to take leave of my own "me". Everything I remember, everything I learned this life, everything I am. It would vanish. But I don't want to...

It's getting completely silent and hollow in my head. Is Agnes still there? Not sure if I still feel her. This is it. They say dying is a peaceful process. Getting released from this world, entering a new reality. But I don't feel it that way. It's dark, and I'm scared. Where am I going to? Is there even a place to go to? Would I ever see Agnes again? Would I ever become as happy as I was in this life again? ... It's quiet and dark, my thoughts and concerns are stopping ... is this ... being dead?

I feel, with tears in my eyes, that I'm laying with Agnes, my girl, in my arms. In my bed. It still takes some seconds before I finally realise that I can open my eyes. Maybe not dead, but I'm in paradise.

Boys and girls, Be happy with what you have, love the ones around you, have peace with yourself. I wish you a warm Christmas.

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